We all feel angry about some things, after all, anger is a normal emotional response to things that hurt us. However, anger can be an ever-present emotion for those who grew up in a dysfunctional family. It can be like a simmering volcano about to erupt.
In a dysfunctional family, the list of injustices can be long. You might feel angry for so many reasons, yet you may not consciously know why. Here are some examples to help you understand our own anger issues.
Your Needs Weren’t Met
Whether it was emotional neglect, lack of physical care, or dismissive attitudes, not receiving what you needed as a child can leave a lasting, painful ache. Regardless of how hard you tried to do what you thought was expected of you to gain their care and love, you didn’t feel you lived up to their expectations. These unmet needs can lead to ongoing anger and resentment.
You Were Forced to Grow Up Too Quickly
Maybe you had a parent who didn’t nurture you and your siblings the way they should have, so you became the caretaker of your siblings. Or perhaps you felt responsible for managing your parent’s emotions so as to keep the peace. Missing out on a carefree childhood can feel like it has been stolen from you, and it ultimately fuels hurt and bitterness.
You Lacked a Safe Space to Express Yourself
When growing up, you need a space to be able to voice your opinions, to be yourself, to have fun or to have a vent. Perhaps voicing your frustrations or hurts might have been met with dismissiveness, mockery or even hostility. This holding back of your emotions can make repressed anger grow, and unfortunately can resurface unexpectedly as an adult.
The people around you now will not know what brought on your anger, leaving you and them feeling more hurt and confused.
You Feel Betrayed
You feel betrayed by the people who should have loved you unconditionally. Where was the family who should have provided you with love, safety and loyalty? When these bonds are broken through manipulation, neglect, or abuse, the betrayal feels profound, and the anger almost unbearable.
Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard
You may fear that forgiving someone means excusing their behavior or betraying the part of you that was harmed, and that’s not fair! That’s why letting go can feel so hard. It’s as if you are saying what they did was okay, and you know now that it’s not.
Forgiving someone doesn’t erase what they have done, and if their behavior continues to cause harm, forgiveness can feel like you’re opening yourself up to more hurt. So the past feels unresolved. Without acknowledgment or accountability from the person or people who have caused you all the pain, it’s difficult to find closure. You may feel stuck, waiting for an apology that you know will most likely never come.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Have to Be Immediate or Absolute
Forgiveness is not about forcing you to forget or pretend that the past didn’t happen. It’s about finding freedom from the emotions, like anger, that are holding you back.
You don’t have to forgive everything all at once. Start by releasing small aspects of your pain, and understand that forgiveness is a gift to you, not them! Letting go of your anger doesn’t mean excusing their behavior at all. All you are doing is freeing yourself from the hurt and looking into a brighter future instead.
You can forgive someone in your heart without allowing them back into your life. You don’t need toxic people in your life. As an adult you have the power to keep toxic people out of your life. Protecting yourself isn’t an act of revenge, it’s an act of self-respect.
Your anger may fade if you are able to process your feelings and strengthen your emotional resilience. You may find forgiveness easier, or you may not. Both are okay. There’s no right or wrong. What matters is that you’re choosing to process your emotions for yourself, prioritizing your emotional healing.
Letting go of anger and moving toward forgiveness isn’t about erasing your life story, it’s about changing it to a new one you want to live. You’re not defined by what happened to you yesterday, you are empowered by what you choose to do today.
