Forgiveness is an important part of our lives. We all do and say things we don’t mean or regret. We hurt those around us and while sometimes it’s intentional other times it is not. On the flip side, things happen to us and words are said to us that hurt. We can live with that pain, harbor resentment, and hold a grudge. Or we can choose to forgive and move on. This short guide is about the power of forgiveness and why forgiving those around us is an important and very powerful skill we should all cultivate.
Throughout this short guide we’ll explore what forgiveness is and what makes it so powerful. We take a look at what may happen to us when we chose to not forgive. I’ll share my thoughts with you on what forgiveness isn’t, and what it does and doesn’t imply and of course, we’ll wrap things up with some hands-on advice to help you on your path to forgiveness.
I’ve packed a lot of information into just a few short pages. I recommend you read this slowly, pausing here and there to think about what you’ve read and how it applies to your life right now. Most of all, I hope this guide will help you claim the peace that comes when you truly forgive. I want this to be a resource you come back to again and again.
We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.” – Martin Luther King, Jr.
What is Forgiveness and Why Is It Important?
Let’s start by talking about what forgiveness is, what it isn’t, and why it is so important. One of the most common misconceptions is that forgiveness is about and for the benefit of the other person. Forgiveness isn’t about giving the other person a pass or letting them get away with something.
It isn’t about giving in to the other person or suddenly feeling like they were in the right. Instead, forgiving is all about you. It’s about giving you the power to let go and move on with your life. Forgiveness is all about freeing yourself from the hold the other person has over you through the anger and resentment you’re feeling.
By definition, forgiveness is the action or process of forgiving. It’s also often referred to as the act of stopping to be angry about someone or something. It can even mean that you stop requiring payment for a debt. That, in turn, can lead us to believe that forgiveness is an act of weakness. If you think forgiving makes you a pushover, you couldn’t be more wrong.
Forgiveness isn’t an act of weakness. It’s an act of strength that both takes guts to make happen in the first place and leaves you empowered. There’s a lot of power in forgiveness. Before we get into why this is such an important concept to grasp and why practicing forgiveness is an important part of your life, let’s take a closer look at what forgiveness looks like.
There are some common misconceptions when it comes to forgiveness. There are three of them in particular that may make you reluctant to forgive and move on. Let’s quickly run through them. I want to make sure you have a firm understanding of the concept of forgiveness and how it can actually make you stronger or at least live a happier life.
If the fear of looking weak is what keeps you from practicing forgiveness on a regular basis, or if it keeps you from forgiving and moving on form a big painful event in your life, I hope this section helps you move through those misconceptions.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That You Forget What Happened
Forgiving someone does not mean that you forget your hurt or what happened to you. Instead, it simply means that you let go of your anger and resentment about it. You’re not erasing what happened, you’re simply choosing to move on. It’s ok to be angry for a little while before you are ready to forgive. Chances are that you’ll be a different and even better person because of the experience. That’s ok. Forgiveness is about letting go and releasing the invisible but real hold the other person has over you.
It doesn’t mean that you ignore what happened. It simply means you’re making your peace with it so you can live the rest of your life without the event or person looming over you. You effectively take away the power the feeling or event has on you.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That You Condone What the Other Person Did
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you suddenly think that what the other person did was ok. Far from it. Instead forgiveness is about moving past what they did and learning to live with it.
This doesn’t mean that you have to like or trust this person again. Often, that isn’t possible, or only comes again with time. Instead, forgiveness simply allows you to acknowledge what happened and start to move on. If that means cutting that person out of your life for now, so be it. There is no place for toxic people in your life anyway.
Sometimes it feels like we have to hold on to anger, or seek revenge in an effort to balance the scales and make things right. That’s not true and as we’ll discuss in the next chapter the reality is that holding on to anger can be a very bad thing for your health – mental, physical & spiritual.
For now, realize that forgiveness doesn’t mean you are suddenly ok with what happens. It simply means that you’re choosing to move past it and no longer allow it to control your life and your actions or reactions.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean That You are Giving In or Giving Up
Forgiveness also doesn’t mean that you suddenly give in to the other person or the wrong done to you. It doesn’t make you seem weak or like a pushover. Forgiveness takes a lot of strength and grace as anyone who has forgiven something big can tell you.
Forgiveness is a choice you make. It’s you taking back power and control. You’re not giving in or giving up. Far from it. In fact, hanging on to revenge and anger is a much bigger part of giving in than choosing to let go so you can get back to YOUR life. Forgiveness is incredibly freeing.
There’s one more thing we have to talk about before we can move on to the section…
Forgiving Yourself
Before you can even begin to think about forgiving others, you have to learn to forgive yourself. It’s not easy, but it’s an all-important first step. How can you expect to move on to a point where you can release your anger, guilt, and feelings of vengeance, if you can’t first forgive yourself? It’s not going to happen.
As with all other forms of forgiveness, forgiving ourselves is about letting go and allowing ourselves to move on. Realize that the past is the past and that while you can’t change the things you’ve done – those things that you’re not proud of – you do have the power to change and make better choices moving forward.
The past is what shaped you into the type of person who now wants to do better. No matter what you think you need forgiveness for, grant it to yourself. This process becomes easier as you start to shape your new life as this better person.
You can’t change the past and you don’t want to trap yourself inside it by hanging on to feelings of regret and shame. Work through those feelings and learn to forgive yourself. Then and only then will you be ready to forgive others and start to build the new you and the new life that goes along with it. Think grace over guilt.
Forgiveness is important. It helps us grow and change. In the next chapter we’ll take a look at what happens when you can’t forgive yourself and others. Let’s just say it’s not going to be pretty. We’ll talk about how you can start the forgiveness process in chapter three, but first, let’s take a closer look at what can happen when you chose to not forgive and instead decide to hang on to the pain and anger.
Why It’s Bad to Hang On To the Hurt
As human beings we have free will and the choice to forgive or not. In the end it is all up to you. You can chose to forgive and move on to with the rest of your life. Or you can chose to hold on to the anger and hurt. The choice is yours. That being said, I want you to be aware of the dangers of hanging on to the hurt. Avoiding forgiveness comes at a price, and one you have to be ready to pay.
Let’s look at some of the things that can happen to you when you hang on to the pain and hurt.
Depression
One of the biggest problems with avoiding forgiveness of both yourself and others is that it can lead to depression. It’s not really surprising, is it? Being angry and resentful all the time doesn’t make you feel good about your life and your circumstances. When you continually feel like someone has done you wrong, or that the universe has it out for you, you want to do nothing but crawl under the covers and ignore the world. That kind of isolation will quickly morph into the beginnings of a depression.
If on the other hand you learn to forgive yourself and others, you open yourself back up to love, relationship, and the world in general. Practicing forgiveness is often a great first step towards overcoming depression.
Low Self Esteem
We’ve already established that if you refuse to forgive, you give the other party a lot of power over you. That, in turn, does a lot of damage to your self-esteem and feeling of self-worth. In addition, hanging on to a grudge doesn’t help to make you feel better about yourself. Practicing forgiveness will.
If you’ve been struggling with self-esteem for a while, and particularly if you tend to blame others for undermining your faith in yourself, it may be time to take a deep look inside. Are you holding on to some grudges, or some deeply buried pain that you need to forgive? This lack of forgiveness is often the root of your self-esteem issues. You deserve to have a feeling of self-worth. You deserve to know deep down that you are a wonderful person. It’s time to take back that power and the first step is forgiveness.
A False Sense of Power
Since we’re on the topic of power, I think it’s important that we address a very common misconception that revenge and holding on to a grudge gives you power. It doesn’t. It may feel like it, but it is a false sense of power. You may feel like you’re in control when you’re plotting revenge or holding on to your anger.
It makes you feel strong, but frankly, all you’re doing is giving power to the person you’re angry with. You are handing them power and control over your feelings and actions. And that’s just not a good thing. Time to take back that power and you guessed it, the first step is to learn to forgive. Only then can you move on and truly reclaim your independence.
Playing the Victim
It’s easy to play the victim, isn’t it? I admit it, it can feel great to play the damsel in distress, or the victim and fish for the sympathy vote. It can feel good to hold on to that grudge. It even feels good to lash out – even just in your head – and hurl angry thoughts at the person that’s done you wrong.
Here’s the problem with this scenario. You may be holding on to the anger and resentment, but chances are good that the other person has already moved on and forgotten all about the situation that’s causing you so much anguish and pain. Don’t you think forgiveness is a much better solution? It allows you to move on as well and frees you from the power you’re giving the other party over you.
What it all boils down to is this. The pain you give by being mad and angry, and by lashing out can never cancel out the pain you receive. Sure, it may feel better for a moment to let off steam, yell, scream, and do what you can to hurt the person who has done you wrong, but that feeling is short-lived.
In the aftermath, you feel worse and are no further along your journey of healing and moving on. Forgiveness hand helps heal those wounds instead of inflicting more on others. It makes you a better person and that will help with your self-esteem, you feeling of self-worth and it will give you true power and lift that depression you’ve been feeling.
The truth of the matter is that when you are still stewing over past hurts or slights the other person involved:
- Doesn’t realize that they did anything wrong.
- Doesn’t care that they did anything wrong.
- Doesn’t ever think about the issue that’s eating you up.
Essentially, you are the only one still hurting. Forgiveness isn’t for them because they may be completely oblivious. Forgiveness is totally for YOU.
How to Start Forgiving
Now that we’ve talked extensively about what forgiveness is and isn’t, why it’s important, and what the consequences are when you decide to ignore it and hang on to the hurt and anger instead, let’s take a look at how you can begin forgiveness.
The interesting thing about forgiveness is that it is both a process and a decision. You start by making the decision to forgive and then spend the time after making that decision into your own reality. It takes time to internalize forgiveness and let go of the anger, hurt, and resentment. And that’s ok. It’s a journey and a process. The important part is to take that first step and then continue to work on it.
Forgiveness Is About You and For You
Start by getting very clear about who this whole forgiveness business is about. It’s not about the people that hurt and upset you. It is all about you. It’s about helping you get over that hurt and to the place you can begin to heal.
More importantly in this first step towards starting to forgive is that forgiveness isn’t for anyone else. It’s for you. Here’s what I mean: When you chose to forgive someone, it isn’t about freeing that person from any guilt they may be feeling. Chances are that they’ve already moved on and aren’t wasting another thought on the issue.
Are there exceptions to this? Of course. But the majority of times they have already gotten past and gone on with the rest of their lives. Forgiveness is really about you, and giving yourself permission to get past this.
Acknowledge the Pain
Before you can move past the pain or disappointment, you have to take some time to acknowledge this. This isn’t something you can do quickly, or something you can do by telling yourself, “Yes, This sucks and it hurts.” Then you can move on. It takes a little time and quite a bit of courage by allowing yourself to consciously feel the pain and grief.
It’s much easier to hide from it, or sweep it under the carpet. It’s important that you don’t let it linger and fester. Allow yourself to feel that pain and then decide that it’s time to start the healing process. Then, and only then are you ready to make it all about you and make forgiveness work for you to start feeling better.
Open a Dialog
Your next step will be to open a dialog about what happened. This can be an actual conversation with the person that you think has done you wrong. Having an actual conversation can be a great thing because you can clear up misunderstandings and start to mend fences at times. At other times it can be good to just vent your anger and frustration so you can move on towards forgiveness.
Of course, there are times when you don’t want to talk to the other party involved and that’s ok to.
Be aware, however, that the other person involved may be unable or unwilling to deal with a conversation. You’ll likely run into one of these scenarios.
- They don’t remember what you’re talking about.
- They remember and brush it off.
- They’re full of guilt & shame and will be unable to enter into a discussion. They will probably even be combative and open up all the old hurts again.
In those cases, or when an actual conversation isn’t possible for whatever reason, have that dialog in your head. The goal here is to talk it through and get it out. This can be a silent conversation in your head, or you may want to talk out loud.
Journaling or writing a letter to the other person that you’ll never send are also great options. If you are writing a letter, consider burning it when you’re done as a way to release all that anger and resentment.
Forgive and Move On
Last but not least, it’s time to forgive and move on. Spend a few minutes making the conscious decision to do this. It’s not always easy and some days you’ll need plenty of reminders that this is what you’re doing. It’s easy to fall into old patterns of anger and resentment.
Be patient with yourself throughout this process. Sometimes forgiveness means making a daily choice to be gracious. Keep reminding yourself to forgive and move on until it has become second nature. Make it a habit until you no longer have to remind yourself daily and have truly moved on.
Tips and Strategies to Help You Practice Forgiveness
The act of forgiving isn’t always easy so I’m sharing a few tools and thinks that will help you reach your goals. While these tips and ideas don’t take away the challenges of practicing forgiveness completely, they will help you move along your path and help you stay on track.
Not every method will work for you and you won’t need everything I’m sharing here. That being said, I encourage you to not only read through this section, but give everything a try. See what works well for you, what’s helpful to you and keep those things in your own mental toolbox. Let’s dive in.
Prayer and Meditation
We are emotional creatures and sometimes it is hard to let go of negative feelings towards others and ourselves. That’s where prayer and meditation can help. They both allow us to tap into our unconscious and change how we think and feel on a deeper level.
If you’re serious about forgiveness, but are struggling to truly internalize it, give prayer or mediation a try. There are special forgiveness meditations and prayers out there (Psalm 51 is the Prayer for Forgiveness for example). Of course you can also formulate your own. The main idea is to sit quietly and allow yourself to think about and ask for help in being more forgiving.
Both prayer and meditation have long traditions of being helpful in dealing with emotions and change on both a conscious and subconscious level. Use both these ancient practices to help you become a more forgiving person.
Talk to Someone
Bottled up feelings and emotions are hard to deal with. It can be very helpful and even cathartic to let it all out by talking to someone. Who this person is, is up to you. Maybe it’s the person you want to forgive, maybe it’s a good friend, a mentor or advisor, a pastor or priest, a parent, or your spouse. It doesn’t matter who you choose to talk to. Pick someone you’re comfortable with and let it all out.
If you’re not comfortable talking in person, try writing a letter (that you can choose to mail or not), or keeping a journal. Writing has the added benefit of being able to organize your thoughts. Each of these techniques have pros and cons. Decide which tactic is easier for you. If it’s easier to write then write your heart out. If you can say it better out loud then choose to talk to someone or something. Pets are good listeners. Or simply try them both and see what turns out to be more helpful to you.
Don’t disregard ancient traditions like confession. There’s a reason they’ve been around for so long and part of that reason is that they work and are very helpful for the person confessing. Confessions don’t have to be in a church with a priest. Just find a trusted friend or mentor.
Consider Therapy
If still you’re having trouble after trying meditation and/or talking to a friend or if you’re struggling with your emotions, it may be time for professional help. While this certainly isn’t necessary for everyone, talking to a therapist to help you with the necessary steps to forgive and move on can be very helpful. Use your own judgment and decide if you’re at a point where you need or simply want professional help. It is certainly an option that can be very helpful to help you deal with personal issues.
Practice Makes Perfect
Don’t discount the act of practicing. Make a conscious effort each day to forgive others in your life and yourself. The prayer and meditation we talked about earlier here can help. You may even choose to write a forgiveness journal where you record your thoughts and feelings about this on a daily basis.
No matter how you choose to approach this, daily practice will help you get better at forgiving. We talked about this being both a choice and a process. It takes time to completely forgive and move on. Daily practice will help you do just that.
Count Your Blessings and Practice Gratitude
Gratitude is an amazingly powerful emotion that can transform your life in a multitude of ways. By spending a little time each day recounting everything you have in your life to be grateful for, you can set a tone and mood that makes it much easier to forgive.
If you’re not familiar with it, gratitude or gratefulness is very easy to practice. All you need to do is spend a few minutes each day to think about or list everything good in your life. Think about the amazing people that make up your family and your circle of friends. Think about your home and the work you do. Focus on everything positive you have going on in your life.
I find it easiest and best to do this first thing in the morning. You can do it as soon as you wake up, while you sip your first cup of coffee or tea, or even in the shower. Make it a habit to start your day with a grateful mind. With that done, it is hard to not start your day in a good mood, with a lot of positive energy, and of course a mind that’s open to forgiveness.
Above all, remember that forgiveness is both a choice and a process. Yes, it only takes seconds to make the choice to forgive, but to put it into action, and internalize it, that process can take days, weeks, or even months. Be patient with yourself and continue to work on it
Last but not least, it’s important to realize that even though you forgive someone, you don’t have to like, love, or trust that person. Forgive them so they no longer have a hold over you. Forgiveness is about you, not them.
While this report is nothing more than a simple guide on forgiveness, and by no means all-conclusive, I hope you’ve found some helpful ideas and suggestions. If nothing else, I hope it inspires you to consider making forgiveness a bigger part of your life and learn more about the topic.
To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes
