Do you wish you had been told how good you were as a child? Every child needs to hear praise while they are growing up. It’s what makes us yearn for more praise! It feels good!
If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, you may have received little praise, leaving you yearning for something that always felt just out of reach – approval. As you grew up, you may have learned to tie your sense of self-worth to how well you could mold yourself to meet other people’s expectations, hoping simply to avoid criticism, rejection, or emotional neglect.
However, living like this can be exhausting and unfulfilling, trapping you in a cycle where no compliment or acknowledgment you receive now is enough. You still feel the need of approval. However, recognizing how it started and learning how to shift your mindset can set you free of this emotional burden!
Where the Need for Approval Begins
In a healthy family, children are given unconditional love and support. They learn that their worth isn’t tied solely to their accomplishments or other’s expectations. Whereas, in a dysfunctional family, that support often comes with strings attached, or worse, is missing entirely.
Maybe you were only praised when you really excelled, teaching you that perfection was the only way to earn anyone’s approval. Or perhaps your emotions or needs were constantly dismissed, leaving you desperate for being acknowledged or appreciated.
In some cases, criticism or neglect might have made you feel invisible or unworthy, making you seek external validation from people outside the family that you looked up to. They made you feel valued.
Today, as an adult, you may be finding yourself constantly trying to help others, or bending over backward to avoid conflict, all in the hope of feeling worthy.
Letting Go of the Approval Trap
Letting go of the constant need for approval requires unlearning deeply ingrained habits and beliefs from your past. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family, this approval trap might have been rooted in a survival strategy. Breaking free begins with acknowledging these patterns.
Recognizing the Patterns
Start by observing when and why you seek approval. Is it during interactions at work when you push yourself to meet unrealistic standards? Do you hesitate to express your true opinions for fear of upsetting someone? Perhaps you suppress your boundaries with family or friends to avoid rocking the boat. What are the driving forces behind these actions? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Challenging the Underlying Beliefs
As you begin to see your patterns, start questioning the beliefs that support them. For example, what would really happen if you didn’t receive someone’s approval? How would you feel? Often, the answer lies in outdated messages implanted in your childhood. Perhaps the idea that being good and helpful would win you some love, or that defying expectations would lead to rejection or shame.
These beliefs are often rooted in survival mechanisms from growing up in a dysfunctional family, where expressed love may have been conditional or totally absent. Acknowledging that these survival mechanisms may have been needed back then, but not now, can be transformative. By challenging them, you allow yourself to adopt new truths, and that is that you are wonderful!
Reframing Mistakes and Criticism
Mistakes and criticism often feel threatening because they seem to confirm feelings of inadequacy. Growing up in a family where perfection was expected, or where failures were magnified, can make any misstep feel catastrophic.
However, what if mistakes could be reframed not as evidence of failure but as opportunities to grow and learn?
When criticized, try to separate the comment from your identity. Not all criticism is true, and even when it is, it doesn’t define who you are. Shifting your perspective this way can make you less dependent on external approval and more grounded in your strength and capacity to learn.
As you begin to let go of the need for approval, you will likely start feeling like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You might feel a profound sense of relief. It’s natural to want to be seen and appreciated by the people you love, but it’s also very healthy to love yourself. You can practice self-validation, as others’ approval becomes a bonus and not a requirement.
You can learn to rewrite the messages you grew up with and replace them with the real truth that’s always been there. You are worthy and deserve to be loved!
