When you hear of grief, what comes to your mind? It is often tied to losing a loved one, but grief isn’t always tied to death. It can also emerge from a sense of loss over what you never had. For those who have grown up in a dysfunctional family, this form of grief can develop, especially if their family is compared to other, happier ones.
When the family you wish you had isn’t the one you do have, it’s natural to feel that loss, which is why you can grieve. This grief deserves attention and compassion, just as much as any other loss.
Recognizing What Was Lost
For some people, the loss is due to the absence of unconditional love or stability. For others, it’s mourning the childhood that was taken away from them by having to take on responsibilities they shouldn’t have had to, or emotional or physical neglect or turmoil.
You may find yourself longing for things you’ve never had but still deeply needed, such as a parent’s reassurance, or a home where your feelings were safe to share. A place where you could be silly or happy if you wanted to be, without fear of ridicule, a sharp tongue, or a strap.
Acknowledging these losses is the first step in the grieving process.
Understanding the Layers of Grief
Grief from being in a dysfunctional family isn’t straightforward. It can involve complex, overlapping emotions. You might feel sad about parents who weren’t there to celebrate your victories or provide comfort during hard times. You might feel angry at events that should never have happened. You may even feel guilty for wishing your family had been different, as if being honest with yourself now about your experiences feels like you are betraying them all.
This complexity can make your grief feel wrong, but it’s important for you to remember that these emotions are very valid and deserve to be processed.
The Mourning Process
Like any form of grief, mourning what was lost doesn’t follow a strict timeline. You might experience moments or periods of acceptance, only to feel resentment or longing surface again.
Here’s how you can navigate your grieving process:
Give Yourself Permission to Grieve
A common struggle is wondering whether or not your life really was that bad, or should you just move on. You may even make excuses for a person’s behavior, so as to justify what went wrong. However, making excuses or dismissing your feelings only prolongs the healing process. It’s okay to grieve what you didn’t have. You deserved more.
Name What You’re Mourning
Identifying the specific losses can help you process them. Write down the things you wish you’d experienced. This simple exercise can bring clarity and help you work through your emotional pain, which will certainly arise as you work through your losses.
Allow Space for Mixed Emotions
Grieving over a dysfunctional family is complicated because it’s often intertwined with love for the very people who caused you pain. It’s okay to feel love and anger simultaneously. You don’t have to resolve these feelings perfectly, you just need to allow space for them both.
Accepting the reality of what was, and wasn’t, can help you move forward.
Finding Healing in the Grieving Process
When you grieve, it isn’t about erasing the pain or pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about acknowledging your loss and finding ways to heal. Healing begins when you give yourself permission to prioritize your needs, your emotions, and reframe your life story.
You may never receive the apology you’re owed or have the relationship you craved as a child from a parent, sibling, or family member. However, through the grieving process you can learn to release the hold of all those lost and never received expectations.
As you process your grief, see how there is room for you to develop more hope and love than ever before. You have the power to build new relationships and find the qualities you once longed to receive. You can build your own definition of what a family is and should be. That family is the one you lost but now have a chance to create!
