For many people who have grown up in a dysfunctional family, feelings of guilt and shame fill their life. These emotions are so ingrained that they become a part of who they are, and it is hard to break free of these negative feelings.
These feelings aren’t from mistakes made or the occasional embarrassment, which many of us have and is completely normal, this is from a deeper burden, tied to feelings of unworthiness.
If you’ve lived with these emotions, you may not even realize or recognize how much they’re affecting your life! However, even though it’s not easy, you can learn to break free and overcome your feelings of shame and guilt.
By understanding how guilt and shame have formed within you, you can begin to replace these negatives with positives, by learning to love yourself.
Where Do Guilt and Shame Come From?
In a healthy family, children learn to distinguish between these feelings. They feel them when they have done something wrong, so they feel bad about it temporarily. Unfortunately, in a dysfunctional family, it’s not the same. Usually, these children are made to feel guilty or shameful for things they shouldn’t.
For example, maybe you were expected to take care of another person’s emotions when you were a child, such as a parent, and were constantly tiptoeing around them to avoid upsetting them. If things went wrong, you might have been blamed or made to feel like it was all your fault. These experiences teach you to take on responsibility that isn’t yours far too early, laying the foundation for lifelong guilt.
As far as shame goes, it often stems from not feeling accepted for who you are. Perhaps you were told you were too emotional, too loud, too stupid, or never good enough, or that you won’t amount to anything.
Maybe you tried your hardest to please your family, to stop any conflicts, but it didn’t work and you never got the validation you craved and deserved. Over time, this can create a belief in you that there must be something fundamentally wrong with you, which is why a sense of shame develops.
How Dysfunctional Families Reinforce Guilt and Shame
Dysfunctional families often have unspoken rules that reinforce guilt and shame. Here are just a few:
- You should always put your family first. This expectation can make you feel guilty any time you don’t, if you decide to prioritize your own needs.
- Don’t talk about your problems. Keep silent.
- It’s your job to fix things. If you happen to be the one that is seen as the family’s caretaker or peacekeeper, you might have been made to feel and believe that it’s your responsibility to hold everything together.
These roles and rules can become so deeply embedded in you as a child that they follow you into adulthood. Even after leaving the family environment, your guilt and shame can linger, shaping how you view yourself and interact with the world. It can hold you back in so many areas of your life.
The Impact of Carrying These Emotions
You might find yourself constantly striving to make other people happy, just to avoid conflict at all costs. Guilt might make you feel like you can’t say no, even when it means sacrificing your own well-being! People use and abuse you and you can’t see it because you have become so used to it.
Shame might hold you back from forming close relationships, fearing that if people really knew you, they’d reject you. These negative feelings can affect your self-esteem and lead to all sorts of emotional health issues.
You may never want to strive for success either. After all, why should you try? You’ve been told you are stupid and not good enough, so trying would be a waste of time.
All these things affect your life and they shouldn’t!
Forgiving Yourself and Moving Forward
A big part of breaking free from guilt and shame is learning to forgive yourself, not for any wrongdoing, but for believing the false stories they were told about your worth. Self-forgiveness means giving yourself permission to move forward!
It’s also important to understand that forgiveness doesn’t have to extend to others if you’re not ready. Letting go of guilt and shame doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior from your family or pretending the hurt didn’t happen. It simply means freeing yourself from its hold.
Every small step you take toward healing is a step in the right direction. You don’t have to carry these emotions forever. They are a part of your past, not your future!
