Setting boundaries is such a healthy thing to do, however, for people from a dysfunctional family, the concept of setting healthy boundaries can feel impossible. Boundaries protect your emotional, physical, and mental space, however, if you have grown up in a family where your boundaries were ignored, and possibly didn’t exist, then it’s no surprise that it’s hard for you to set any as an adult.
In healthy families, boundaries are clear and respected. For example, respecting a child’s need for privacy or teaching them to say no when they feel uncomfortable. However, in dysfunctional families, these lines are often crossed. Perhaps you were expected to drop everything, all the time, in order to meet someone else’s needs, regardless of how you felt. These negative experiences soon teach you that anyone who sets boundaries is selfish.
When you try to set boundaries now as an adult, you might start to feel guilt or fear creeping in. You might be worrying they will get upset with you. What if they think you are unfair, or worse, stop loving you. These thoughts often stem from the roles and rules you were forced into as a child.
What Was Your Role In Your Family?
Roles often emerge as coping mechanisms. These roles aren’t assigned consciously but rather develop as each family member challenges their unhealthy environment. Understanding these roles is a significant step toward recognizing how your own upbringing might have shaped your behaviors, beliefs, and struggles even into adulthood.
The Caretaker
As the caretaker, you might have found yourself feeling responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions and solving problems. This role is often taken on by a child in response to a parent’s or sibling’s emotional instability, addiction, or mental health issues.
Caretakers act as the emotionally stable one of the family, striving to hold things together and trying to minimize any conflict. While this might have brought some short-term peace at the time, it has likely come at a personal cost. The caretaker often sacrifices their own emotional needs, and as a child, this is devastating. It can lead to feelings of neglect, and emotional burnout.
The Scapegoat
The scapegoat bears the blame for all the family problems, regardless of their actions. This role often allows the family to deflect responsibility and maintain the illusion that issues are tied to just one person, rather than the family as a whole.
As the scapegoat, you might have internalized this blame and grown up feeling unworthy or useless. You feel as though you are the problem, which can lead to struggles with self-esteem, and difficulties in believing in your own capabilities.
The Peacekeeper
If you were the peacekeeper, you likely spent much of your energy trying to smooth over conflicts and keep the family functioning. This role often emerges in families filled with tension and arguments.
Peacekeepers often prioritize harmony, fearing that if they express their own needs or discomfort, more arguments and chaos can develop. While this role might have been essential in their surviving the dysfunction of their family, it can create long-term difficulties in recognizing that conflict, when handled healthily, can actually strengthen relationships.
Why It’s Not Selfish to Set Boundaries
One of the biggest myths about setting boundaries in a dysfunctional family is that the person is selfish if they do.
However, boundaries aren’t about shutting people out or refusing to care, they’re about creating a foundation for mutual respect. Respect is important for every family member!
When you set a boundary, you’re not saying you don’t care about anyone else, you are only saying that you care about yourself too. In any healthy relationship, this balance is understood and respected. If your boundaries upset someone, know that it’s more about their inability to adjust, than anything you’re doing wrong.
Letting Go of Responsibility
One of the most freeing realizations is that you are not responsible for how others react to your boundaries.
Their disappointment, frustration, or guilt is not a reflection of you. It’s just you making positive changes people need to respect. The more you practice, the easier setting boundaries becomes.
You will grow more confident in your right to prioritize your well-being, and you will feel so much happier and healthier too. Just remember, you are not rejecting others, including your family. You are redefining your relationship with them on much healthier, more balanced terms. You’re doing what should have been done when you were a child.
Learning to set healthy boundaries after growing up in a dysfunctional family is not easy, and although it may take time and practice, each boundary you set is showing others and yourself that you are worthy! You can live a life that is free from the chains of dysfunction.
