Growing up in a family where a parent constantly tears you down with criticism or negativity can leave emotional scars. When you’re told you’re stupid, or lazy, or too full of yourself, it’s easy for those harsh words to not internalize as being truths. If an adult is telling you these things, are they not true?
As children, we seek love and approval from the people who raise us. When that approval is replaced by constant criticism or negative, demeaning language, it sends loud and clear messages that are not good to hear.
This kind of emotional pattern is incredibly damaging, but by understanding the impact of those words on you then, and taking the steps to rebuild your self-worth, you can redefine who you are now on your own terms.
Why Do Parents Do This?
Understanding why a parent might repeatedly criticize or demean their child certainly doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it can provide insights into their motivations. Often, the negativity they direct toward their child is a symptom of their own struggles, fears, or limitations.
Projection of Insecurities
Parents who constantly belittle their children often project their own insecurities onto them. If they feel unworthy, unintelligent, or inadequate, they might redirect those feelings outward, using criticism as a way to manage their own internal mess.
For example, a parent who frequently calls their child stupid or a waste of space may deeply be ashamed of their own shortcomings, even if they don’t consciously recognize it. By focusing on perceived flaws in their child, they temporarily shift the attention away from their own pain.
This kind of projection creates a toxic cycle, as the child begins to internalize blame that was never theirs to carry.
The Misguided Belief in Tough Love
Some parents view harsh criticism as a form of tough love. It’s their idea of preparing their child for life’s challenges. They may believe that pointing out their child’s flaws or setting impossibly high standards will motivate their child to improve.
This approach often stems from fear. Fear that their child won’t succeed, won’t live up to societal expectations, or won’t overcome the struggles they themselves endured. Unfortunately, this tactic backfires more often than not. Constantly hearing what’s wrong with you doesn’t inspire growth. It creates self-doubt, anxiety, and a persistent feeling of inadequacy.
The parent’s intent may not to be cruel, although they may believe you have to be cruel to be kind, but the impact remains the same. Children subjected to this type of tough love rarely interpret it as motivation. Instead, they see it as confirmation that they’ll never amount to anything.
Repeating Learned Behaviors
Dysfunctional parenting often has roots in generational patterns. Parents who grew up in environments where they were belittled, shamed, or dismissed, may unconsciously adopt those same behaviors when raising their own children. They may have also felt unimportant or left out if their siblings got more attention, so now it’s their turn and you don’t get any either.
For example, a mother who constantly berates her child for being lazy may have grown up hearing the same thing from her own parents. These behaviors can become so ingrained that they’re perpetuated without much thought. The cycle continues until someone recognizes it, and actively works to break it.
It’s important to note that this repetition isn’t always intentional. A parent might genuinely love their child but lack the teachings of how to express that love in a healthy way, because they were never taught how.
Unresolved Trauma and Emotional Immaturity
Parents who carry unresolved trauma or emotional wounds may lack the capacity to provide the empathy their child needs. Their own pain can make them emotionally reactive, quick to anger, and unable to regulate their behavior in healthy ways. This is when their child or children will become more subdued and quiet just to keep conflict out of the equation.
For example, a parent struggling with their own self-esteem might lash out, criticizing their child for perceived faults as a way to regain a sense of control.
An emotionally immature parent might feel threatened by their child’s brilliance, independence or individuality, interpreting it as a threat, rather than being proud of their growth.
In these cases, the parent’s behavior is less about their child’s actions and more about their inability to manage their own emotions or unresolved issues.
Moving beyond a parent’s negative words is challenging, but it’s definitely worth it as it is so liberating. You are not the insults they said to you, or the labels they gave, or the flaws they claimed to see in you.
One of the most powerful steps you can take is to say the words to yourself that you didn’t hear as a child. For example, I am smart, I am kind, I am proud of who I am. You don’t have to remain the sum of someone else’s words, you can be the result of your own, so make them count!
